Essay: Fashion Proclamations That Give me the Ick
When headlines or "experts" are talking out of their Birkin
I keep a running list of annoying fashion things in my head. None of them are worth an essay on their own, so I made a bulleted list. Feel free to add yours in the comments.
If fashion influencers are supposed to be trend setters, why do they look and dress alike?. Where’s the originality? You scroll through their social media, and they’re interchangeable.
Publications that use “Broke the Internet” in their headlines. Honey, I’m reading your digital publication; the internet is working.
Using the phrase “shut down the red carpet” in headlines. Did the celebrity take the red carpet and run away with it?
And….publications using headlines like “So and So Ruled the Red Carpet.” I don’t see a measuring tape in her hand. She did not.
Influencers who claim they woke up like that. I see your eyeliner, lipstick, and lip liner.
Any headline that screams “What the Girlies Will be Wearing This Season.” Girlies? Are you targeting tweens?
“Free the Nip” headlines. Nipples do not run amok on the streets. They’re attached to people. Nipples running around on their own and being sentient; just the thought of that possibility scares me. If you’re talking about not wearing a bra, that’s one thing. But to write as if a nipple has taken over Tokyo and is currently battling Godzilla makes me concerned for the writer.
Why is Y2K fashion still trending? It was a cheesy look the first time around.
Skinny jeans are dead. No! They’re back! Skinny Jeans are on life support! Skinny jeans are a fashion staple. MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
Whoever invented barrel jeans hates people.
Fashion Girls Swear by XXX…did you take a worldwide poll?
Headlines stating “Celebrity X Got Their Hands on Object Y.” Welp, did they use a five finger discount, or were they gifted the item?
Fashion Girls as a group. Who decides someone’s a Fashion Girl? Is this a club? Do you have to pay monthly dues? What’s the application like? Where are the meetings? Do they serve snacks?
Influencers who unbutton their shirts, pose with the collar around their shoulders, and then proclaim that’s the best way to wear it. How am I supposed to dress like that all day and use my arms?
According to trend forecasters Preppy is now Isabel Marant sweatshirts, LoveShackFancy Dresses and Stanley cups. I call it upscale basic.
Any headline that proclaims, “X I’m living in this season.” What? You’re going to move into a pair of leggings? How will you arrange your furniture?
Headlines that don’t match the article. Yes, I understand you need clicks, traffic, and a decent KPI. However, the more you pull this trick, the more your audience will be pushed away.
X and X Red Carpet Date Night. Yeesh. They’re a couple and they’re on the red carpet. This is work. How is it “date night?” If so, that’s a sad date.
When fashion designers hire the same stylists or fashion forecasters as their competitors, every collection looks the same.
Any fashion influencer, expert, or article proclaims that my style is lacking if I don’t buy a particular item. If you want to buy it for me, I’ll wear it, mmmkay.
It’s okay to shop your closet.
The phrase, “If you have to ask the price of something, you can’t afford it,” is bull. Fiscal responsibility is essential, no matter your income.
Counting exactly how many bags and shoes you own. Don’t. Don’t do it. That way lies madness.
It’s okay to use celebrities or historical figures as style inspiration. Dressing exactly like them is a little too “Single White Female,” AKA Stalkerish.
Chasing trends. If a trend speaks to your heart, wear it. Full stop. If you hate, don’t wear it.
Why can’t they design heels that are as comfortable as sneakers?
It’s okay to mix up your clothing. Say yes to wearing something expensive with something that’s not, and throw a vintage piece in the mix.
If you love it, it fits you, and you’ll use it, buy it. You’ll wear it forever.
There’s a difference between a micro trend and a flash trend. Micro trends are how trends are born—most of the time. Flash trends are born on social media and may die in a month.
You’re not who you are by where you shop.
Thrifting is shopping in stores that smell like feet and corn chips. Your hands get dirty digging through racks to find treasures. It’s not walking into a carefully curated store selling used stuff with high price tags.
Hair is an accessory. If the color doesn't work for you, change it. If you’ve cut it too short, it does grow back.
Who decides what the IT bag, shoe, or dress of the season will be? What happens if they’re wrong?
Read: Fashion Influencers Stop Policing My Style!
Read: The Cult of the Longchamp Le Pliage Bag: When Practicality Becomes a Religion
I’m with you on every single one of these! Oy vey!!!